Reflections of essence

So, I'm sitting in the house thinking how I am the only human occupying this household while I'm petting my silky black cat, Night-night. In essence, no one to talk to who will comprehend what I'm saying except myself. The animals know I'm not right. They know the house is not right. Odin, my big dog is very attentive. Cassie, my little whippet, is nervous. My cats seem more attentive than usual.

One of my biggest fears, when we first got together was that our relationship wasn't real. You see, I didn't have a very good childhood. Most people grow up really screwed up if they even came close to what I went through. But I didn't. Charley thought that I must have taken mental notes how not to be. I think that is definitely possible, but also think that it is genetic. I was born into this world a smiler. I met him just a short time after I was independent, out on my own, living on my own. Back in the day when we didn't have cell phones to locate each other, Charley and I would be in a grocery store. We would go our separate ways; we were so in sync, that we would rarely duplicate grocery items and also get everything we needed. Then, every now and then, I couldn't find him. I would get this panicky feeling that my new, now wonderful life has all been a dream. Then I'd hear his familiar footsteps and there was his smile and beautiful eyes. My new, now wonderful life was still intact.

He's gone. Now it's real. The memories, even recent memories, are all like some grand illusion some magician has played an evil trick on me. Is this what they call 'going mad?'

I'm staying active. My calendar is full. But the other day, I fell. Really bruised my hand. It swelled so that I can barely make out my knuckles. Yet here I sit to type out my thoughts which are flooding me at this moment. I fell while crossing an intersection while walking my dogs. I think I tripped over my own feet. That doesn't matter because down I went. Hard. The dogs just wondered what I was doing down on the ground all of a sudden. Cars entering the intersection slowed to let me get up and get out of their way. Foolish, that's how I felt. Man! Did my hand hurt. But getting up was lonely. It was only me helping me up. He was not there to lend that strong hand I had come so accustomed to accepting in mine. The older I get, the more precious life is because it is actually too short. No matter how long you live, it's always too short.

You can't call this denial. I saw him. I did CPR. I tried. I mean I really TRIED! I can't get those images out of my head. Then, I held his limp, cooling hand in the hospital after they officially said that he, his essence, his intelligence, his wisdom, his playfulness, his wit, his loving and ever so gentle touch, his sarcasm, his smiles, his strength, his love, his passion, and occasionally (although very rare) his roar—was gone. Gone from this world. Gone from my world. It's like I'm standing in that grocery store, looking for him, only this time, this time I can't hear his footsteps or see his smile coming around the corner. Alone.

I look at sunrises and sunsets. I've started a mental mantra: I'm seeing this for both of us. I'm enjoying our favorite season of fall—for both of us. I go on each day for both of us. My memories keep him with me, his essence.

Footprints in the Desert

I went for a walk today

Just so the dogs could run and play

Out in the desert

My mind it did divert

With the warm breeze

My sadness did ease

I felt Charley's touch against my skin

To my face I felt a grin

Dogs ran with glee

As they wandered free

I looked upon the land

As we walked upon the sand

Our footprints buried deep from months and years before

From years of duet walking I felt my spirit soar

Today with strength I walked

As the breeze and the sun talked.

---Kamala

Shroud of blackness

I'm standing in the middle of my house

Our house

Staring into the darkness of my mind

Staring into a shroud of blackness

Staring into my lost memories

Not believing

It must be a nightmare

Please, tell me it's a nightmare

Emptiness surrounds my being

Dogs nudge me to awaken me

From this lost-ness, from this darkness

I immerge briefly to see the light of day

I look around and it's empty out there too

Sadness reigns my spirit

Shock breaks my soul

Death, worked into everyday conversation

Stated on forms, predicting life terms

The real meaning of death is emptiness

A vacancy of intelligence, spirit, sparkle

A vacancy of a warm embrace

A vacancy of smooth, soft kisses

A vacancy of support

A vacancy of my soul mate

Gone to the earth, stars, and moon

Empty

My house is so empty

I went out to the shop and he wasn't there piddling around like he always was doing.

He was always doing, fixing or creating something.

His imagination surrounds me in his decorations and creations.

My heart aches.

I'm making my dogs sad.

I find myself sitting and staring.

I found Odin, my big dog looking at me concerned.

Cassie is nervous and is chewing on things.

I keep reliving those moments of futile efforts of CPR,

His nonreactive face.

It's easier to talk to strangers than it is to talk to friends.

I'm having bad days, why should I make their day bad?

My body keeps vibrating.

When will it stop vibrating?

Lost

Thoughts we shared to prepare for this
I really could have missed
Was not supposed to become a reality
My mind is a maze, all jumbled and cloudy
But here I sit
In a dark pit.
Keep doing things that are objective
Keeping at bay the subjective

Paper whirlwinds

Surround my spirit as it bends

Appointments, deeds, money, wills

The doctor prescribed some pills

Sleep deprived

Thoughts spin around and collide

My body vibrates

My soul, it violates

Catching up slowly

Trying to attack the world boldly

My mind is a maze and I'm lost

As my emotions frost

Multitude of things I misplace

My soul, my being is displaced

Crying by myself feels weird

Crying in front of people is my fear
Gone is my love, my dear, my soul mate
Solemn sadness is the weight.

--Kamala

Sand

I look at the myriad grains of sand.

All living things, all returning to the grains of sand

Dust to dust

Ashes to ashes

Life scurries around as the Earth's breath churns everything up into swirling circles

Chaos ensues

As the dance continues

Love and hope

Fears and tears

Sadness and happiness

Joy and contentment

Dust to Dust

Ashes to ashes

Life scurries 'round

Chaos ensues

As the dance continues

Sand, I am but a grain of sand on a dune.
--Kamala Land

Mortality

Mortality, that which all who live and breathe must deal with. Every day I go about existence, try not to take it for granted, but inevitably fall into that category. Then I wake up out of my sublime stupor when someone near succumbs to that inescapable end. My beating heart, that very essence which keeps me alive, aches. A man, rough around the edges who challenged his kids to make them strong and endure the thorns of life (he was sometimes that thorn), was my hero. A time of my life came when I either had to succumb to insanity or chose life, he was the one who spoke up and told me, “You go for it! (life)”

In loving memory, William (Bill) Hestand, my brother-in-law.