An Existentialist's Prayer

Today, I was the speaker at our Unitarian Universalist Community of El Paso. This is what I had to say:

Contrary to other churches and religions, our congregation has no one set of beliefs other than the basic tenets you heard at the beginning of our service. So when anyone gets up here, what you are listening to is a piece of that person and who they are and what they believe. This is not to impose on anyone else’s belief but hopefully, something is sparked and creates a mindplay of questions and answers about this world we live in. I am Kamala Land, and this is a little piece of who I am:

In the past, I always found myself having a knee-jerk reaction when someone asked me or the general population around me, as in Facebook, to pray for him/her. When I was a little girl I lost that part of my brain that believes in ghosts, goblins, angels, or god. I began to think that if there was a god, he was must be a mischievous and sadistic deity. You see, I was brought up in a home with constant turmoil. I had a father who was so overwhelmed with his fate he stayed away from home as long as he could and drank a quart, yes a quart, of whiskey every day. I had a mother who fought internal demons and took her frustration and pain out on the only two people around her. Since my dad wasn't around much, I was the one who took the brunt of her exasperation.

When I was a teenager and while my friends were thinking of proms and other school activities I was reading the bible and philosophy books. I found myself there, imagining that I was trapped in a bottle, kind of like a ship in a bottle, and that I was part of some big experiment. 'Let's do this or that to her to see how she'll react.' I was literally being driven crazy. I ran upon Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain. At one point he is questioning the suffering of children and how could a god, who could save them, just let them suffer? I even considered suicide as an escape plan. One night, I looked up at the stars and prayed for deliverance from this torturous place. But what happened next is that I accepted responsibility for my fate and finally took charge of my life. I became of age and left—for good. I never went back. For those who believe in the god or fantasy would say that my prayers were answered.  That may be their interpretation, not mine. For me, I took charge of my life.

I look around. The media and the internet has brought so much more of the world into our foreground. I see tortured children and pets. I see war, shootings, rudeness. I see overcrowding and decay of the human spirit. While looking at all this, I also see love, in my own life as well as all around me. I see wonderful people out there reaching out to those tortured children and pets, reaching out trying to stop war, going into diseased areas, risking their own health to try to put an end to suffering, famine, and hunger. I see people fighting for the rights of other people, for people’s right to choose what’s best for their own life on this blue planet. People putting their safety at risk to enable equality of life and love. The Yin-Yang is truly represented here.

I find myself contemplating good and evil. What is prayer or what do these other religious phrases mean to someone like me? Someone who doesn't believe that some powerful being is out there seeing all and listening to all?

Let’s start with ‘Faith.’

I believe that faith equals confidence, a positive outlook on life. Trusting in one's instincts and abilities assists in going on each day. A confident person emerges from a crowd in a full forward stride. Situations are analyzed, questioned, then decisions are made and there is no second guessing, no looking back. It's like going through a traffic light. If it turns yellow, don't wobble, make a decision. Act on faith.

What is hope to me?

I believe that hope is the happy anticipation of a good outcome. Hope is looking for the positive, that white dot in the middle of the black. Optimism is King here. The glass is half full. Rain brings not weeds but new life.

Are there such things as angels?

Angels are those people who go out and work in the world to ease others' pain: nurses, volunteers, people who rescue animals, people who go to those areas of the world to help those in need, people who work in nursing homes, people who work with other people suffering from severe mental or physical handicaps. The list goes on and on because there are so many angels in this world. There are many angels in this community.

How do I define a miracle?

Miracles are things that come about against the odds. What we feel is normal or average makes those things that are outside that norm—things so very awesome, that we call them miracles. They are simply in a long line of the continuum of possibilities. She will never walk again--then she does. He won't live past age two, he's now 25. It is a miracle, to me, that we exist at all among all these stars, planets, and rocks. It is a miracle that I can see it, feel it, experience it, react to it. It is a miracle that I found this beautiful person among millions and millions of other people and we were able to share 41 years existing together.

And, finally, I'm back to prayer.

But to address this, I think that I have to remind myself how precious my time alive is, and short-lived. I mean, life is short. No matter how long you live, if you are enjoying yourself, it is going to be too short. So to take time out of my life, my time and think about someone else’s welfare, to think and hope about their well-being-- that is prayer, and that is good. It’s good to reach out to others, believe in others, love others, pray for others. Prayer is happy anticipation that someone can beat the odds. I have the confidence that their personal power will overcome whatever odds or pain they may be experiencing. There is something about prayer and the energy it emits. If anything, it's knowing that these people care and think enough about me (or you) that they have set out special time aside which gives me (or you) a boost of confidence that will help us overcome whatever is the problem. Thought has a tremendous power and reach.

Some people would give me the title of 'an atheist because I do not believe in an anthropomorphic supreme being (god). But I can't accept that because I am a very spiritual person. I believe in colorful western sunsets and the warm breath of sunrises, I get thrilled over new life. I love to feel the warmth of the earth, see the blue sky, experience rain, a gentle touch, be amazed at snow, shiver in the cold, to see flowers bloom in the dry, harsh desert.  I've been lucky to celebrate lives who have crossed with my life, then moved on. I love this world. All these things I just mentioned are god to me. I am, by first definition, an existentialist. Now, you say, ‘That is a philosophy and not a religion. But religion is only a set of beliefs and when practiced becomes ritual. So, again, I say, I am an existentialist. I am a person, free and responsible, who can determine my own development through acts of my will. It boils down to the fact that I accept responsibility for my own actions and the domino effect that is caused by my actions. Existentialism can be adopted by a person of any religious affiliations. Secondly, I am a Unitarian Universalist, because it seems to fit. We don't care what you believe and we respect you. Everyone is accepted here (or should be).

So, for me, this spiritual existentialist, are there angels? Is there faith, hope, miracles, and prayer AND awe in this vast world of wonders? My answer, while down to earth and tangible, is an overwhelming YES!

Graceful anticipation

I believe

That Grace is what I want to achieve

Is there such a thing?

Graceful grieving?

Graceful movements

Graceful comments

Graceful sorrow?

The doctor ordered pills

In hopes it would distill

The emptiness spilling out from within

Sadness, is it a sin?

Down a spiraling medicated vortex

Seeing the reality in this mortal nonsense

Creates emotional chasms

I took charge of my life

To end this strife

I removed this cloud of chemical protection

Introspection without consultation

For the colors to be bright

To feel the light

I must first conquer the dark

“Life is good,” I say aloud

My senses now aroused

There was no need for fear

Strength within me was always here

On my own, I stand and grow

As I feel my energy flow

Music and travel is the remedy.

My voice rises over others as I sing

Life is good echoes off walls with a ring

New friends, new conversations

My character no longer on probation

Sight is now clear

Sunlight comes through the tear

As I sit here with a smile and giggle

My calendar fills with anticipation

My emotions laying down a strong foundation

Fills with dreams

To-do lists begin to burst at the seams

My life has always been giggles and smiles

As now I begin to count the miles

Music, Adventures, Travels, Graceful Anticipation

Charley goes to Burning Man produced by Jeryl Marcus

So you like your siituation?

I know that I'm not going to change people's minds. I'm usually one who has my political opinion and keeps it to myself (close friends usually know what I'm thinking). I don't write political opinions--until now. I am moved to write my feelings on this subject. I'm going to start by asking a series of questions.

1. Have you ever had an emergency and laid there worrying whether or not the doctor who has been assigned to you is listed as a provider under your current insurance plan?
2. Has your employer changed insurance plans and it became questionable whether or not they would cover pre-existing conditions?
3. Have you ever been denied health-care insurance because of pre-existing conditions?
4. Has your health-care provider stopped covering you because your health situation is costing too much?

• I have had to scurry about to check to see if a doctor was in my plan and at a time when I should have been more worried about the situation of life.
• EPISD has changed insurance plan administrators and one of the first questions asked at an orientation meeting was, "Will you cover pre-existing conditions?"
• I had a friend whose son had a rare disease. The insurance they had discontinued coverage because it had become too costly. Then they could not get another insurance to cover him because it was then pre-existing condition. He died. Five years after their son's death, the parents were still paying for medical expenses incurred.

Charley and I are now retired, but we had to wait until he was old enough so we would be able to afford the medical insurance. I know other people who would like to retire but say they cannot do so because medical insurance would eat up whatever retirement pay they would have.

So you may be worried about universal health care, I've seen the vote go around Facebook. But what is being proposed is not universal health care or socialized medicine. If you like your insurance, you'll keep your insurance. Your insurance will have to accept pre-existing conditions, however. If you lose your job, your health will not suffer because you will still be able to get medical treatment at the same cost that your congressman pays, be he or she Republican or Democrat. If you change jobs, you will no longer have to worry whether your new insurance provider will accept pre-existing conditions.

We are already paying for people who are not insured. The way we are paying actually costs more than if we had a plan that would cover them. I taught high school in a poor section of the city. Students would come and announce that fainted the night before and their mother took them to the emergency room. They went to the emergency room because they did not have health insurance and emergency rooms cannot deny them. Did they pay the bill? No, because they were poor. Who paid the bill? We did, maybe not through taxes but through our insurance premiums. Someone had to pay.

One of the scare tactics out there is that socialized medicine is poor quality. I've been to Canada, the Canadians are afraid of getting sick in the United States and of the high medical costs. I've been to Europe where people are relaxed about their health. Doctors can diagnose and not worry about all the required insurance paperwork needed and hiring a staff that is dedicated, not to providing better health care service, but to managing insurance company claim forms. I had to get a prescription filled while in Germany, while the Germans would pay less than I did (if anything) the cost was cheaper than my co-pay at home. The pharmacist was diligent and took time to make sure my prescription was filled properly.

As for the death-panel stuff, here's was a Republican had to say about what the well-informed (ha-hem) Sarah Palin who stands by her 'death-panel' claim, her "posting came one day after Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska said that Palin and other critics were not helping the GOP by tossing out false claims. Portions of the Democratic health care bills "are bad enough that we don't need to be making things up," Murkowski said, invoking a phrase that Palin used in her resignation speech, when she asked the news media to "quit making things up." Murkowski said she was offended at the "death panel" terminology. "There is no reason to gin up fear in the American public by saying things that are not included in the bill," she said." (Associated Press writer Erica Werner contributed to this report.)

Think about it, who has the most to lose? It's not you or me, it is the insurance companies and the health care administrators. It is those people who are goading all the myths and lies of the health-care bill.

Alright, enough is enough from me. If you want to check out what I'm touting, here are some links:

• Jim Jaffe is a former congressional staffer and current contributor to HuffingtonPost.com and Centeredpolitics.com wrote this article found at AARP "Secret’s Out—We Already Ration Medical Care: For decades, our crafty government has been imposing rules that determine who gets what care.
• AARP reports on Health Care Reform: The Assault on Truth
• And, last but not least: The Whitehouse Reality Check

What to do with money?

From the time we are children, we are trained to want money. We ask our parents for things, they will either buy it or tell us that they don't have the money. We start to earn an allowance for things that we do around the house. Each of us, then, develops how we will use that money. The impulsive ones will go out and spend it as fast as possible, others will have a goal and save up to buy it, others still, will save and never spend. These habits will follow us into adulthood: always desiring money and what we do with it once we have it.

I've always been the goal setter. I save for goals then use it. While I was working I observed people who would be absolutely miserable the week before payday, announcing how much better they would feel once their paycheck was in their pocket. People would always ask me how Charley and I could go on 2-1/2 month vacations. It's because I knew how to manage and save.

In the past few years, I've observed elderly people. Fear has engulfed them and their fists are tight holding onto their money. These people have a difficult time using it for what would make them happy now. "Oh, I can't do that, what if I fall ill and need the money?" Actually, the kids who went out and spent their money right away are really going to fare better when they are old and are no longer able to care for themselves. 'Why?' you may ask. When you are in that situation and have no money, Medicare will take care of you. I guess people fear the quality of care they may receive; fear not, it will be good care. As long as you have money, of course, it is your money that will take care of you, of course until it runs out.

What good is it to leave it to your heirs? There most likely (not always) will be bitter fighting, begrudging, greediness; and for what? Money that you have bee trained to desire all your life. My goal in life is simply this: use my money while I can enjoy it. I don't care if I have money once I no longer understand the world I live in. I don't care if I leave money to those living beyond my death. If I have it now, I earned it, I should enjoy it.

How are you going to use your money?

Heat sizzles on the pavement.

Two weeks into retirement (or what used to be the beginning of our summer vacation) have resulted in one week of relaxation and one week of a more traditional vacation: short travel via car, visiting friends, and camping. This year is sooooo different. After ten years of traveling (touring) via tandem (see our website http://www.kamalamak.com/ouradv.html) we are doing things differently this year. The stimulus of the change were two cross-country cyclists who stayed with us in March. In March! Touring during non-heatstroke months made us inquisitive. Could we quit and live on Charley's retirement? So many people worry about money and the worry prevents them from exploring possibilities. If we didn't try, we wouldn't know. How much time do we have left in this world anyway?

We inquired, doors opened, and opened, and opened. No hitches. No wrinkles. Smooth sailing. Read the signs. The signs were green. Money will be tight, but we've been poor before. We have mostly everything now. Wish us luck.