Who am I?

That has been a question that has popped up again and again and again in my life. When I was a child, it was a very concrete question to be answered with my name. When I was a teenager, and after suffering years of verbal abuse from my mother and seeing the degradation of my father slip away in a flask of whiskey, I sought out a more spiritual answer as I dove into a deeper understanding of Christianity which left an emptiness in my soul. I then followed my drive to find out who I was in Eastern religions. The meaning of who I was became even more lost since in order to find Nirvana, one was to lose oneself in the true meaning of the universe. My life floated back to a more concrete meaning as I found love, my soul mate. At this time, I did not want to lose myself, but rather keep myself as solid as possible. Me-has become love, a love relationship. Who am I? Am I defined by my age of 51? Am I defined by my health? Am I defined by my successes or my failures? I am defined by having an established, loving relationship of 34 years. Yes. I am probably defined by my energy; I have a lot of it. Contrary to all this energy, I am a very patient person who likes to figure out puzzles, crochet, embroider, and cannot let go of a problem until I solve it. The last bit is sometimes a curse. The puzzle solving has given me an education, both academically and in life. I pursue things that I want to solve. I am an oxymoron: an energetic patient person in search for her soul while not trying to lose her identity which I don't know what that is. Probably by the time I'm stumble on the answer, I will have become one with the universe as my molecular structure once again spreads out.