Empty

My house is so empty

I went out to the shop and he wasn't there piddling around like he always was doing.

He was always doing, fixing or creating something.

His imagination surrounds me in his decorations and creations.

My heart aches.

I'm making my dogs sad.

I find myself sitting and staring.

I found Odin, my big dog looking at me concerned.

Cassie is nervous and is chewing on things.

I keep reliving those moments of futile efforts of CPR,

His nonreactive face.

It's easier to talk to strangers than it is to talk to friends.

I'm having bad days, why should I make their day bad?

My body keeps vibrating.

When will it stop vibrating?

Lost

Thoughts we shared to prepare for this
I really could have missed
Was not supposed to become a reality
My mind is a maze, all jumbled and cloudy
But here I sit
In a dark pit.
Keep doing things that are objective
Keeping at bay the subjective

Paper whirlwinds

Surround my spirit as it bends

Appointments, deeds, money, wills

The doctor prescribed some pills

Sleep deprived

Thoughts spin around and collide

My body vibrates

My soul, it violates

Catching up slowly

Trying to attack the world boldly

My mind is a maze and I'm lost

As my emotions frost

Multitude of things I misplace

My soul, my being is displaced

Crying by myself feels weird

Crying in front of people is my fear
Gone is my love, my dear, my soul mate
Solemn sadness is the weight.

--Kamala

Sand

I look at the myriad grains of sand.

All living things, all returning to the grains of sand

Dust to dust

Ashes to ashes

Life scurries around as the Earth's breath churns everything up into swirling circles

Chaos ensues

As the dance continues

Love and hope

Fears and tears

Sadness and happiness

Joy and contentment

Dust to Dust

Ashes to ashes

Life scurries 'round

Chaos ensues

As the dance continues

Sand, I am but a grain of sand on a dune.
--Kamala Land

Mortality

Mortality, that which all who live and breathe must deal with. Every day I go about existence, try not to take it for granted, but inevitably fall into that category. Then I wake up out of my sublime stupor when someone near succumbs to that inescapable end. My beating heart, that very essence which keeps me alive, aches. A man, rough around the edges who challenged his kids to make them strong and endure the thorns of life (he was sometimes that thorn), was my hero. A time of my life came when I either had to succumb to insanity or chose life, he was the one who spoke up and told me, “You go for it! (life)”

In loving memory, William (Bill) Hestand, my brother-in-law.

What is prayer for someone who doesn't believe there's an omniscient, supreme being?

I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.~ Joseph Campbell

I always find myself doing a knee-jerk when someone asks me or the general population around me, as in Facebook, to pray for him/her. When I was a little girl I lost that part of my brain that believes in ghosts, goblins, angels, or god. I began to think that if there was a god, he was must be mischievous and sadistic. You see, I was brought up in a home with constant turmoil. I had a father who was so overwhelmed with his fate he stayed away from home as long as he could and drank a quart, yes a quart, of whiskey every day and a mother who fought internal demons and took her frustration and pain out on the only two people around her. Since my dad wasn't around much, I was the one who took the brunt of her exasperation.

While my friends were thinking of proms and other school activities I was reading the bible and philosophy books. I found myself there, imagining that I was trapped in a bottle, kind of like a ship in a bottle, and was part of some big experiment. 'Let's do this or that to her to see how she'll react.' I was literally being driven crazy. I ran upon Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain. At one point he is questioning the suffering of children and how a god, who could save them, would let them suffer. I even considered suicide as an escape plan. One night, I looked up at the stars and prayed for deliverance. But what happened next is I took charge of my life, became of age and left—for good. I never went back. For those who believe in the god or fantasy would say that my prayers were answered. For me, I took charge of my life.

I look around. The internet has brought so much more of the world to our foreground. I see tortured pets and children, war, war crimes, (actually, war is a crime). While looking at all this, I also see love, in my own life as well as all around me, I see wonderful people out there reaching out to those tortured children and pets, reaching out trying to stop war, going in diseased areas trying to put an end to suffering, famine, and hunger. The Yin-Yang truly represented.

So, what is prayer to someone like me? Someone who doesn't believe that some powerful being is listening?

I believe that faith equals confidence, a positive outlook on life. People blindly follow other people exhibiting self-confidence. Trusting in one's instincts and abilities aids in going on each day. A confident person emerges from a crowd in a full forward stride. Situations are analyzed, questioned, then decisions are made and there is no second guessing. It's like going through a traffic light. If it turns yellow, don't stammer, make a decision.

I believe that hope is a happy anticipation of a good outcome. Hope is looking for the positive, that white dot in the middle of the black. Optimism reigns here. The glass is half full. Rain brings not weeds but new life.

I believe that prayer is thinking positively of a person. Prayer is happy anticipation that someone can beat the odds. Confidence that their personal power will overcome whatever odds and/or pain s/he may be experiencing.

Angels are those people who go out and work in the world to ease others' pain: nurses, volunteers, people who rescue animals, people who go to those areas of the world to help those in need, people who work in nursing homes, people who work with other people suffering from severe mental or physical handicaps.

Miracles are things that come about against the odds. What we feel is normal or average makes those things that are outside that norm—so awesome that we call them miracles. They are simply in a long line of the continuum of possibilities. She will never walk again--then she does. He won't live past age two, he's now 20. It is a miracle, to me, that we exist at all among all these stars, planets, and rocks. It is a miracle that I can see it, feel it, experience it. It is a miracle that I found my life mate among millions and millions of people.

For me, and possibly others like me, who do not believe in an anthropomorphic supreme being (god), are there angels? Is there faith, hope and prayer and awe in this vast world of wonders? My answer, while down to earth and tangible, is yes.

Peace Within the Plant

Rainy days

Transform the earth in many ways

Desert sand parched with thirst

Welcome water from the sky's burst

Sun peaks from cracked cloud

Close to darkness like a shroud

Leaves reach skyward and brightens

Flowers cup raindrops as their tension lightens

Brains used to sun

Feel rejected and shunned

Such a controversy

Since the earth was thirsty

Find the peace within the plant

Listen, as raindrops begin their chant

Clouds are but a cover

The earth is their lover

For another day our thirst is quenched

As the gullies become drenched

--Kamala

Witchi-tai-to

Drums on the Mountaintop

I hear the drums on the mountaintop

Please don't let them stop

My spirit follows the sound of the drums

My body is starting to hum

My friends are calling from the mountaintop

Please don't let them stop

The fox guides me through the forest trees

Drums beat louder with glee.

I hear the drums on the mountaintop

Please don't let them stop

Beating louder, stronger and clear

I am very near

Songs echo through the canyons deep

Into my soul they seep

I reach the circle gathered round the fire

My voice joins in the choir

The sky is beating the earth with rain

The drums forever reign

The rain pounds the earth below

The rivers are in rapid flow

Thunder and lightning rule the skies

Dry earth no longer cries

We are beating drums on the mountaintop

We're not going to stop.

--Kamala (inspired by Gathering ofCircles 2013)