Twists, turns, ups, and downs

Life is full of twists, turns, ups, and downs--much like that of a bicycle tour; although a bicycle tour was not made this year. Maybe the past 10 cycling years has prepared us for this year. Starting with a family death, followed by transitions of property (still be be completed), then retirement, followed by paperwork . . . and paperwork, then the "fall", the dreaded subsequent rotator-cuff operation to put all right again, and the pain of recovery. One doc says that there will be no riding for at least four months while the PT (physical therapist or pain and torture guy--take your pick) gave us hope when he said maybe a month. Although the pain will ultimately be the guide. The anchor of home held us in place to make all right.

Surrealism has hovered over the house. We had not been at home in the summer for 10 years. It has actually been quite refreshing while odd at the same time.

OK, now we're recovering . . . getting it all right again. The anchor is getting lighter and lighter. We're fluffing and spreading our wings. We're getting there.

Who am I?

That has been a question that has popped up again and again and again in my life. When I was a child, it was a very concrete question to be answered with my name. When I was a teenager, and after suffering years of verbal abuse from my mother and seeing the degradation of my father slip away in a flask of whiskey, I sought out a more spiritual answer as I dove into a deeper understanding of Christianity which left an emptiness in my soul. I then followed my drive to find out who I was in Eastern religions. The meaning of who I was became even more lost since in order to find Nirvana, one was to lose oneself in the true meaning of the universe. My life floated back to a more concrete meaning as I found love, my soul mate. At this time, I did not want to lose myself, but rather keep myself as solid as possible. Me-has become love, a love relationship. Who am I? Am I defined by my age of 51? Am I defined by my health? Am I defined by my successes or my failures? I am defined by having an established, loving relationship of 34 years. Yes. I am probably defined by my energy; I have a lot of it. Contrary to all this energy, I am a very patient person who likes to figure out puzzles, crochet, embroider, and cannot let go of a problem until I solve it. The last bit is sometimes a curse. The puzzle solving has given me an education, both academically and in life. I pursue things that I want to solve. I am an oxymoron: an energetic patient person in search for her soul while not trying to lose her identity which I don't know what that is. Probably by the time I'm stumble on the answer, I will have become one with the universe as my molecular structure once again spreads out.